Dear Rosemary

Dear Rosemary,

First, I must apologize. I was reading your work without my glasses, and your proper hash tag is aptly penned “rosearmy” because you truly are a powerful force of will, a soldier and a protector. I have only the highest level of respect and admiration for your work and sacrifice. You are a true leader with incredible focus and vision, but I am unfortunately horribly near sighted; hence, my nickname for you.

You have not asked me for, nor do you need any input from anyone about your journey, your choices or your process. Your path is as unique from my own as we are from each other. I spent many of my younger years seeking to identify my differences from other people in my quest for self-identity; as I get older I am compelled to look for our similarities. It may be to temper my rage or it may be in the hopes that I will find some peace. It is in that spirit that I share a story…

Three weeks ago, I accidentally found my perp.

I was working on a mixed media piece titled, “These Are the People in my Neighborhood” and I was doing some research on the old part of town where I grew up. I was looking for architectural inspiration for the background of the canvas. I stumbled on a story of a man arrested for armed robbery that fled the scene of the crime and hid behind a Catholic church where I had received my First Communion. I recognized his name instantly, and remembered him as a childhood friend whose home was the location where my abuse began. I realized that we were so young when we were friends, that I never knew how to correctly spell his family’s name. Armed with this key, I was able to unlock a door which until this moment had proven inaccessible. I quickly found my perpetrator, sex offender registry records, conviction and sentencing orders along with news reports of recent arraignments.

The trigger was intense, and I was completely unprepared for its impact. For decades, I have imprisoned him in a psychological cage, a surrealistic prison where I could periodically poke at him with a stick, yell at him while I commuted, and safely keep him exactly where I could see him. Suddenly I was faced with this terrifying revelation that it had all been incredibly and painfully real. The world became unsafe again, my life appeared to be purposeless, and I have never felt so incredibly alone.

Intellectually, I recognize these sensations as a natural response to traumatic events and triggers, and luckily I have some practice and agility at talking myself “off the ledge.” These demons continue to exist, years and decades into our futures, and their careless and devastating influence is an energy which persists despite all out best efforts. Knowing that, we must always be prepared to revisit some level of pain, and proactively have a plan to restore ourselves and heal.

I wept during your first episode of “Citizen Rose” when you pulled your friend close to you and told her, “If something happens to me…If I die, you have to keep my work, to be studied, it has purpose, it all has purpose.”

I know you are cautious and painfully aware of those who will seek to continue to exploit you. I believe that you are beginning to recognize those who will punish and disrespect your spirit because they view you simply as a representation of your work and rage rather than as a fellow human being who is capable of feeling pain. My hope is that you possess a counter balance to that awareness.

I pray that you keep those in confidence that are trustworthy and kind. I beg them to keep a constant and watchful eye for when you express these clear emotional manifestations of trauma. Never forget that your focus must always include healing yourself. You must never sacrifice your own well being because that is what others expect of you. Do not let others take this journey away from you and change its purpose to suit their needs.

Because we have looked into the very eyes of demons and survived, we are bestowed the gift and the curse of prescience and empathy. We know more about human nature than most people will ever know about themselves.

I want to encourage all survivors to care for themselves diligently and with discipline, because you will inevitably find yourselves on a rusty, fluorescent painted, funhouse ride. Your demons will pop out of the darkness at you unexpectedly and I want you to be prepared to beat the holy hell out of them. You will need to resurrect your ability to fight.

Rosemary, I leave you with this one thought…

If the cabin air pressure changes dramatically, oxygen masks might fall from the ceiling directly in front of you. Follow the airline's instructions in operating their masks. If a child is seated beside you, put on your own mask before helping to put a mask on the child.

But more importantly…

Should an emergency arise that requires you to evacuate the airplane, follow the lighting on the aisle or over the seats to the nearest exit.

In other words, we’ve got your back.

Stay strong, you are a warrior!

In solidarity,

Adam

#RoseMcGowan #rosearmy #CitizenRose #DearRosemary