Three: The Process of Power, a Warrior's Reflection
- Adam
- Jul 22, 2018
- 3 min read
At many points in my life, if you were to ask me to describe my identity; I most likely would have rattled off a list of words describing observable and concrete traits and associations. I am a male, I was raised Catholic, I am an artist… If you asked me to reflect a little more deeply and describe my self-identity such as my values and principles, the characteristics that influenced my self-esteem, or my relationships with others; I would have had no “real” answer. That is because everything that I knew and believed about myself and the world around me was imprinted and left behind by others.
For me, this was not a one way transaction; I was complicit in my quest for external validation. I gave everyone permission to label me and lacked the skills to dispute anyone’s definition. In fact, I pursued behaviors to an extreme in order to gain rights to those titles. One person might describe me as a thief, while another would smile and say, “You’re a straight A student.”
Some of this may be because I experienced a profound sense of betrayal and lack of trust and attachment with my early caregivers. I also spent many years of my life doing what I was told by my abuser and never protesting. As I became older, I wanted very much to “pass” undetected through life and appear “normal.” The ability to have a variety of identities and change masks quickly allowed me to safely walk among others – telling them exactly what they wanted to hear, diverting attention and ultimately surviving without any real commitment, responsibility or relationship.
Both scientifically and intuitively, we know there is correlation between childhood sexual abuse, attachment, betrayal, self-esteem, identity formation and our resulting relationships. I have spent many years reflecting on my own identity and learning to separate my external from my internal influences and beliefs. Self-reflection is a powerful tool that has allowed me to actively participate in answering the question, “Who am I?”
If you engage in some form of self-reflection such as journaling, meditation, song writing, painting, or even self- talk as you run on a treadmill; here are some prompts that I continue to use which might be able to contribute to your own process. These are very simple ideas, but remember I was so far behind others in my development of awareness and self-identity that I had never even considered these basic concepts.
Where do you spend your time? Try to think locally, for example: Where do you spend time when in your community? Are there places you haven’t been to in a while, that you would like to visit again?
What are some of the great things about you? This is particularly challenging question for a lot of people, many of us have been raised and conditioned to focus on our weaknesses and flaws. Consider your talents. Consider your skills. Are there things you do that others admire? Reflect on and revisit childhood aspirations.
Who do you spend time with? Think about people that raise your energy level. Equally important is to think about people that lower your energy level. Consider qualities that you admire in others. Are there people that you want to be more like? Why?
Who are the people in your life? Consider categorizing these people; family, friends, community members, service providers. It’s important to recognize your support networks and have realistic expectations about their role. Who are the people closest to you? How do you define the term closeness? Who do you talk to? Who cares about you and your well being? Who is important to you?
How do you spend your time? Define things you like or like to do. Name some things that you don’t like or don’t like to do. Spend some time thinking about new things you would like to try.
These reflections have also been very helpful for me in other areas of my journey as well. From developing meaningful self-care practices to managing anxiety levels and staying actively engaged in my healing process.
Developing a strong sense of self can be a long term and frustrating challenge, simply developing awareness and just considering why we describe ourselves with certain terms can be an incredibly liberating experience. For me, this process continues to be validating, empowering and enriching. But as with everything else on this site, I remind you-the journey belongs to you, you are in control of your choices from this moment forward. If you choose to engage in a process of reflection, you may discover exciting and inspiring things about yourself to strengthen you as you travel along your path.
I wish you all the best. Please remember that you are incredibly strong and you are not alone!
In solidarity,
Adam
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